Classic Rock Songs that Need To Be Retired
There are certain classic songs that are so incredibly annoying, predictable, and embarrassing that they need to take a bow and be permanently put away. Picture yourself sitting on a cracked cinder block that serves as a step to a trailer entry way…Your horse piss-beer soaked fuzz patch ‘stache matches the color of the 1979 industrial strength carpet in the doorway. The humid wind is gently blowing your mullet to one side of your face. And given these circumstances, there is a 99% chance you can hear one of these songs loud and clear.
This list is in no particular order. This list might offend some– but come on, think about it. Can you honestly tell me they are good? Or do you just connect them to younger years?
10. Black Water – Doobie Brothers
The song black water does not conjure any mystical images of Mississippi in my mind. When I think of Mississippi, I think of derelicts and small towns in the middle of nowhere. The fiddle is cringe-worthy as is the harmony. I don’t think I ever want to hear some Funky Dixieland. Nothing says AOR blandness better than this track.
9. Night Moves – Bob Seger
Somewhere in a trailer park a baby is being conceived to this song. This track is as bland as a saltless cracker. Played to death in advertisements across the globe, but not as an ad for condoms. Almost makes me nostalgic for smokey bar rooms, bowling alleys and gas stations all at closing time. Every time I hear this song, I think of frayed t-shirts with images of horses on them and air brushing. If Bruce Springsteen and John Mellencamp are watered down versions of Bob Dylan, what does that make Bob Seger?
8. I Got a Name – Jim Croce
For some reason, this song always reminds me of banking, driving, and buying a new car. It also reminds me of AAA or sitting by the side of the road waiting for a bus. I’m sure that’s not Jim Croce’s intention -but now I feel like filling out a credit application.
7. Feels like the first time – Foreigner
Usually, I would be all for bad music describing an x-rated experience feeling like the first time. Not now, though. What is it about Foreigner that makes it classic? Is it the fact that it’s old? Do people really want to remember that first time so badly that they want to rock out to hair metal? These are a lot of questions that remain unanswered. I’m sure that if I go to a local pub, I could find the answers.
6. Dream Weaver – Gary Wright
Spooky Tooth must have been a pretty bad band to work with in order for Gary Wright to leave and create this pap. The name Dream Weaver inspired an Adobe software product. It would be pretty cool if they could somehow package these two products together.
5. In The Air Tonight – Phil Collins
There is something to be said about a song that features a predominately dated drum solo. “ba dum ba dum ba dum” Wow. That rocks. The video is hilarious and reminds me of a special episode of “Miami Vice” where the song was featured. Awesome.
4. Magic Man – Heart
Courtesy of the movie “Swingers,” this song now conjures up images of a cat walking on a hood of a Camaro that is sitting on blocks and beds full of stuffed animals. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
3. Simply Irresistible – Robert Palmer
This song does the late Robert Palmer proud. It’s definitely not over played at all but it does kick out the jams.
2. Spooky – Classics IV
Pure shite. ‘Nuff said.
1. Green Eyed Lady – Sugar Loaf
Possibly the one of the worst songs in the entire world! Green Eyed Lady is as equally lame as “Spooky” by the Classics IV. This song is played incessantly on classic rock formats, and I have no clue as to why. It’s not good in any sense. The faux Dylan accent and the annoying bass line make me switch the station as soon as it comes on.The organ in this song is indescribably terrible.For some reason this song seems to have a taint of badness around it.
What ‘classic’ songs are you sick and tired of?
-
darlene
